A few months ago, while Matthew was working two jobs and I was finishing up my spring semester, I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be a single mother. I dropped Pooka off at my mother's every other morning for school, and the other days I spent cleaning and organizing my mother's house, doing my "job." Matthew usually worked 8-5 every weekday and then either 6-12 or 8-2 four nights a week. It was difficult, but we survived.
Now Matthew and I have switched places. I wake up and get Pooka up and dressed and take her over to my Mother's house. I get home from school just as Pooka is going down for her nap. She wakes up and I take her home, only to pass her off to Matthew, who completely takes care of her, just so I have a fighting chance at being able to finish my homeowork, studying or YW project before 2am. And we repeat.
Ivy never used to cry when I left, and I liked it. It hurt, because I thought she didn't care if her mama left or not, but I would rather be sad than know that she was struggling every day. But lately, every time I leave she just breaks down, and I can see the question in her little eyes, "why do you have to leave again?"
I remember listening to a conversation my sister-in-laws were having, about people being offended when they were not included in the "full time mom" category. I was about to give my two cents when I realized that in no way do I qualify as a full time mom. I always promised myself I would stay home with my children, but I never believed school would count. I left my opinions unsaid.
Tonight I had to leave for some YW emergency stuff, and I got home a few hours after Pooks was in bed. She woke up and wanted some water, and when I brought it to her, she was so surprised and happy to see me, it broke my heart. I never imagined my little girl would be surprised to see me. I never imagined being a part time mom. I never imagined any of it and I wish Pooka didn't have to live it.
I know what I'm doing is right, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know that the Lord would never tell me to leave my baby girl every day without a reason, and I cling to that every time I have to tell her goodbye. But sometimes it feels like its not enough.
6 comments:
Oh sweet Becca! You're so brave to keep on going like this. You are such a good mama and a good student. It'll all be over soon!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Ivy will never remember that you were gona at school for a short time in her early years. But your whole family will benefit from your education. You are better off doing it now while you only have to leave one child than later when you have a housefull of kids that need you. Why do you think I haven't finished school. It is gonna have to wait a long time for me now.
Who cares what people think if your a full time Mom or not OR whatever. Do what you think is right. When I die, my 'will' is going to say bury me face and stomach down so when I arise from the resurection people can kiss my Butt. FROM; Scott H. You know that was funny.
THANKS SCOTT!!! Sometimes I just miss my little girl. But its almost over...
I know its hard to be away from her but you are bettering your family and there is a reason the lord wants you to get this stuff done now.
And, always remember how lucky you are to have a family that loves pooka as much as we do so that when you have to leave her she feels safe and totally loved and while its hard for her to be away, you at least know that its with people who would do anything for her.
You will always be a full time mom. ALWAYS. You made that decision when you have a kid. I know how much you love your little Pooka!! You are always thinking of her, no matter if you are at work, school, YW or wherever. You never get a day off. Not until she moves out, not really then -- I still call my momma crying!
My mom finished her bachelors while I was a toddler, and you know what I took from that while I was getting my bachelors? That I COULD DO ANYTHING. Whenever I wanted to take a break, I said, NO! My momma had two kids, got married and got diagnosed with a debilitating illness, I can take science class!! hehe, it's true though, it totally got me through.
My mom had her parents living close to her and childcare and I wasn't ever scarred for life. I don't think so!! She worked all through my life, and I think I'm more career-driven for it, but I also think I have an independent spirit.
Whew, loooong comment!! But this is something that I feel so strongly about because if you drop out, you'll never go back! It's so important to stay in school, if you can.
Do your best and your days with Pooka will come!
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