J is for January

All I can say is "Uggghhhh!" I am SO glad January is over and that I made it out in one piece!

How January Began:

Matthew still looking for a job
Pooka clamoring for attention because of Lily
Lily (the poor thing!) in the hospital for a week
Pooka having a breakdown because her mama was always at the hospital
Me not doing ANYTHING that I should be doing to keep myself healthy, mentally or spiritually

And how did the month end?

Matthew got a job! Its a pizza delivery job with Domino's. Even though it seems like a big drop from what he was doing before, it makes suprisingly good money and they will work with his schedule. You know what this means??? GRAD SCHOOL!!!! I think the Lord is setting us up to make it happen. Matthew and I have both known it is what we needed to do for a long time, its just really hard to make it happen when you have no money! Please pray for us, that we will be able to make it work out because it will add so much stability to our lives. It stinks, but you have to have a few really crappy, difficult years of school where you scrimp and save and live like a pauper in order to have 50 years of financial stability. Well, financial stability, HERE WE COME!

Pooks has had a really hard time with sharing her Matthew and I with Lily. Especially me. Every second of the day it seems like she is tugging on me and trying to cuddle with me when I'm nursing Lily, or just trying to catch my attention in strange ways. She has learned, unfortunately, that some attention, good or bad, is better than none. I know every first child goes through this, but it doesn't make it any easier. So I try extra hard to give her the one on one time she needs so desperately. I thought we were doing pretty well, and then Lily got really sick and had a fun filled week in the hospital. She had a fever that I thought we had controlled, but it just popped back up with a vengeance. She was vomiting a lot and I was having trouble keeping her awake at all. When I was changing her diaper and I saw a full body rash, I freaked out and called the doc, who told us to take her to the ER. They took her back immediately and did all kinds of tests, and they figure it was a virus. Virus = waiting game, which stinks. All in all, I think Lily had 4 different IVs, each one averaging 3 sticks to get the vein. The night she was admitted, she was so sick it took 7 sticks total to get the IV. And that doesn't include the spinal tap she received that night. To say the least, I was a complete mess. I couldn't believe what my baby girl was going through, and not even 2 months old! But we all made it through, the worse for wear, no doubt, but we still made it through. Lily was such a trooper!
Pooks, of course, did not take my week in the hospital well at all. She eventually had a breakdown where she just cried and cried for Matthew and I, and I ended up coming home to spend some special Pooka Mommy time. Its so hard to have two babies in two different places who both need you.

And me? Well....to say the least, I didn't do so well in January either. I kind of just lost my focus and felt a little to free-floating. Its so hard for me to have my life not planned at all, and that is what it has been like for the past 6 months. I have this compulsive need to plan everything, but I haven't been able to plan ANYTHING. So I let things slip away. I got in the attitude of "what does it matter?" and that is NOT a good attitude to have. Honestly, I felt a little neglected, like God didn't really care about us Bowlers. I knew He was there, but thought maybe he had just passed us over. I know how stupid that is, but its hard when the crud just keeps falling right on you to remeber. But I did start to remember. I remembered how much peace I felt even though the world as I knew it crumbled around me as I looked at my Daddy for the last time. I remembered the little bursts of strength I got so often when I needed them to just get through the day. I remembered as I listened to my dear husband give our little baby a blessing of health and strength in the hospital that we are not alone, and that He loves us. This isn't supposed to be easy. It is definitely not easy. But its all going to be worth it.

So, overall, I think its been a pretty good month. Lots of learning. Lots of growing. Lots of answered prayers.